Your Fucking Walrus Can't Play the Trumpet

All week, Inside Edition has been building up anticipation and showing previews of this miraculous trumpet playing walrus from Turkey. Who wouldn't be excited? Sea creatures playing horn instruments?! Whoo! Well, when I say all week, I mean Tuesday and maybe Monday. When I say anticipation, I kind of mean annoyance at the idea of Inside Edition trying to trick me into believing a SEA CREATURE could play a trumpet. Regardless, I sat through a half hour of Britney Spear's birthday bash teasers and news about some idiot sports guy who shot his own leg in a bar and got arrested.

While I was scoffing (which I do quite often) at the idea of the Turkish trumpet playing walrus, the reporter referred to the video as “the footage to prove it!”. I put the scoffing on pause, thinking there may possibly be actual footage that would prove the thing was actually playing. Wanna know what I saw? A video of a walrus grasping a trumpet and swaying back and forth while the speakers played bouncy trumpet music and the trainers clapped along in a very animated and quite gay fashion. For 6 seconds. YOUR FUCKING WALRUS CAN'T PLAY THE TRUMPET! I'm inclined to use the word imbeciles. I will. YOU IMBECILES.